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Feb. 18th, 2010

03:17 am - this is the first time

in a long time
i've felt genuinely suicidal.
keeled over on the floor, freaking out, the main thing stopping me from moving is being afraid of what action my body would take.
i couldn't stop thinking about the big bottle of painkillers on the top of my desk, a stop to it, to me.
my guts feel twisted and grated from the inside. and now my brain is all scrambled.
i can't stand hurting her like that, and nothing can be done now.  i'm sorry, Holli.
it's one thing to keep fucking my own life up, but now i have to go and fuck someone else's up, in one of the worst ways i'd know how.
i'll never be able to live with this.
just end me.



EDIT:

I'm not dead, and I haven't harmed myself.  I always find a way to prevent myself from acting on any suicidal feelings, and I rarely feel suicidal.  I've learned not to even mention if I feel these ways because it just scares everyone and threatens me with being Baker Acted or something...  but it's impossible for me to even begin describing how I feel in a moment like this without stating how much it kills me inside and drives me to a state of genuinely wanting to end existing. 

This is why I believe in mind over emotion, self-control over passion or feeling.  A similar balance between both is important, but having rational control over your body in the worst times is imperative to survival.  It is why I have not and will not act on feelings like this, no matter how painful.

So, in summary:  I'm still alive and I'll always be haunted by the pain I've caused.

Current Mood: morosemorose

Feb. 15th, 2010

02:01 am - grr

 i almost wish i DID want to get back with you, since keeping you in my life even loosely seems to just destroy all the other connections i have with people.  at least if i wanted to get back with you i might be able to get want i want.  now the only plausible thing i could desire and achieve seems to be complete disconnection from everyone.

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

Dec. 30th, 2009

04:00 pm - What of Me?

It's a place that's not so far
I dream there and sometimes I wake there
Do you want me caring less
Sometimes we don't ask for what we need
And I guess how I want to be loved
And I've guessed what of me you need
It doesn't matter if we lie
Your sentences never defined you
Do you think that I can't feel
When I touch you there's words on your body
Should you be scared
When I say sometimes I'd want you dead
So no one else can have you when it ends
How'd I reach this point on my own
And how fragile right there I was
This is not the first time
That I've watched the end of that thing that had no end
Do you want me caring less
Sometimes we let go of what we need
Why can't you guess how I want to be loved
You can't even tell me what of me you need

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

Dec. 21st, 2009

03:13 am - To myself

Morning shifts at the rave suck
harder than ever before
working from open till night fall is a big fml
and i get to do it again tomorrow
at least there won't be the church crowd to deal with -_-

I'm broke, I don't even have money in my account that is already reserved for a bill or something
I have 3 dollars sitting in my pocket, 2 of which I don't want to spend b/c it's a nifty 2 dollar bill
and im sitting on a grand total of 45 cents in my bank accounts
...sigh
and this is supposed to get me through till christmas, haha
so, im kind of screwed

I hanged out with Jared today, I find that he is rather good company for me nowadays.
I need someone I can feel so okay with hanging out around, it's hard to find for me since I'm naturally isolating
I won't let myself hermit, I rather build up the habit of staying open to the world and people around me.
Jared and I decorated Kari's christmas tree since she wasn't around to do it
it was something unusually amusing (as in not a video game, movie, or wandering aimlessly around the mall)
and it helped her mom feel better, I could tell she was wanting family company but wasn't going to blatantly say it
Jared and I stood in as two misfit very temporary adoptions I guess, hehe.
We proceeded to eat and play numerous fighting games, new and classic, and of course one zombie shooter game.

Trouble thoughts seldom shuffle through my head, still, but I've been doing better at sorting it out.  Taking a break from the ever supplying source of questions and changes will help me to at least eat what I already have on my plate, and hope that I won't be so overwhelmed if I for w/e reason am confronted with some new drastic change in the future.

I had an attack of emotional overload and crying the night before this one, popped two blood vessels in my left eyelids so hard that they bled outwardly.  That's a first.  And it's a first time in a long time that I've even outright cried, so the suppressed feelings probably assisted in said vessel popping.  Tonight, I'm fine, and I'll be fine, I've been at a point where even the worst stuff doesnt defeat me without a LOT of accompanying 'worst stuff'.  Having this 'space' to myself will give me some added relaxation, however much I may miss Kari.  
I do dread, although try hard not to, what I might return back to if I ever do see her again...

Current Mood: soresore

Sep. 7th, 2009

01:59 pm - lyrics lyrics

 Break me in, teach us to cheat
And to lie, cover up
What shouldn't be shared
And the truth's unwinding
Scraping away at my mind
Please stop asking me to describe

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free

Self expressed, exhausting for all
To see and to be
What you want and what you need
The truth's unwinding
Scraping away at my mind
Please stop asking me to describe

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free

Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
They will only bring us pain
And I've seen, all I'll ever need

Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Citizen Erased by Muse

Jun. 10th, 2009

06:07 pm - limbo

numbing exhaustion, for every heartbeat there's a counterbeat.
is this the limbo we go to when we don't deserve heaven or hell?

Current Mood: indescribable

May. 23rd, 2009

02:12 am - Things I would have to say

but now I have nothing to say it to
there will be more and more things, but there is nothing to say them or write them for

so they'll just echo in me, alone

Current Mood: pensivecatatonic

Aug. 6th, 2008

12:25 am - this summer

was everything i didnt wish it to be
that was last early may when i did my wishing, and i hadn't learned not to keep my hopes up
i still haven't

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed

Jul. 21st, 2008

01:43 pm - well

tonight im headed off to the drunken orgy

kari and i are really excited

i just hope i dont catch the herp

bottoms up!!

Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic

Jul. 10th, 2008

01:12 am - you know why a curfew for a 22 year old ryan is stupid?

it's because I can't even simply finish watching a movie if I was to want to stay past 1am just a while longer, especially when no one else is awake long enough to answer the fucking phone when im calling. it's because my job hours don't even end till 1am on some nights. it's because I could quit college right now and easily get a job working for most any graphic designing business in town full-time, move out, and live self-sufficiently so I can rule my own life and make it work towards the convinience of my schedule (that which parents can/could not calculate understandingly enough to work With); but instead I feel like im being punished for staying IN college and working towards an even higher aspiration.

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

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